Thursday, June 10, 2010

June 10, 1780

Yesterday was my youngest brother, Mattieu's, birthday and being in Riom I was happy to be a part of the celebrations. Seeing my mother's husband, Msr Cordelay, after so many years was as formal as ever, but dear Mattieu is much grown even since the winter and as kind and sweet and clever as could be hoped. Andre remains in Ferney with Mlle Delacour, and everyone knows that is the reason, whatever else he may say. I asked Mattieu when we were able to walk alone in the gardens, it being a very fine day, what he thought of me finally marrying, and he said he wished it greatly for my happiness, but that I should not do it to please him. Of course, I am inclined to please him when it comes from a heart so unselfish, but that only makes my decision harder. I returned to the estate as yet undecided, to find Thierry packing his things.

The Ferme has recalled him to Paris and so he must go, and in point of fact he left this morning, but not before we had an enormous argument over what to do. On the one hand he urges me to consider F's proposition and says that he cannot see any other solution to all of my tribulations, but at the same time he selfishly wishes to keep me for himself and cannot be made happy by this solution. I tried to reason with him and asked if he thought it would make me happy, for it certainly could not, but perhaps a swift marriage and a quiet separation later would enable us to find the future we have been straining towards if we could only wait a little longer. He said that we have waited and waited endlessly for a future that never comes, and to that I have no answer for he is right.

I went to F's room where he and R were playing cards, but all I could do was sob in their arms, much to my embarassment. They have been so kind, though their situation is no less difficult than mine, for they can never be together openly.

There, I have said it. The situation as it truly is. The King must have an answer, and soon. I must find a means of acquiring more money to maintain my title and estates. I must have an heir. I must marry, there can be no more waiting. Perhaps all of our trials, mine and Thierry's, have only been God's way of ensuring that we follow the path we were meant to. Either that or there is no God and he is not watching us and there is no help to be had. These stolen golden days are quickly coming to an end.

Olympe, Comtesse

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