A party to celebrate the New Year made me feel even more low. It was like being behind glass the whole time. I tried to interact with everyone, but genuinely felt none of their good cheer. I knew few people there, and even those I did know I somehow felt I had so little in common with as to be strangers. I moved amongst them, but did not seem to be present, and few people spoke to me. In very little time I was exhausted from the effort of trying to be charming, and I left before two in the morning.
Although I try to convince myself that there is still much to do, I am much more inclined simply to remain in bed. I have canceled my Lever for the last two days, and am considering giving out that I am sick with some minor discomfort. The Dowager Comtesse de R- has declined my latest invitation. All of my plans fall to pieces, and I have no will to pick them up again.
I am like a candle sputtering into darkness. It would be so easy just to let the flame go out.