A thought today made me sit straight up in alarm. I was remembering the news of R-s death and suddenly recalled that both F- and his own mother were in attendance when he died. That will likely mean that she knows, and (if I judge her character rightly) dislikes F- intensely. She will never consent to marry Clementine to him after such an aquaintance!
I've been wracking my brains as to how I may proceed. Clearly my original plan to have them marry, and then to influence him through her until I have regained his trust will not work. I am having enough trouble speaking to the young woman alone, as it is. It has all caused me to ponder what kind of person I am becoming, since my next thought was that I could still achieve my goals were they to become lovers. If he were to prove difficult towards me I could use her to ruin him, neccessitating her ruin in the process; but am I prepared to go to such lengths? To harm such an innocent? Who am I that I would contemplate these things? The strange thing is how little it horrifies me, not how much. I feel my heart hardening.
So many people at my birthday celebration, and yet I feel as if I have no friends. I pay Msr. Poisson to carry out favors on my behalf, I have lost both R- and F-, and Elizabeth is too busy to pay me much mind. Even Christine is far away in Sweden, trying desperately to avoid being married off by her aunt and uncle. I have not had a letter from her in a long time.
I miss Thierry, he would forbid me from being so gloomy. If only Maman, Mattieu, or even Andre were coming for Christmas this year. Perhaps I should see if Clementine and her mother would care to spend a day or two with me.