Feeling rather foolish, I must admit to a terrible mistake. Before I had a chance to ask Adrienne about Msr. Lamotte, Marianne gave me a piece of gossip from Colette’s maid, as Colette knows him from previous encounters. Apparently the reason he is so reluctant to speak about his family or where he is from is that he is no longer welcome by either, because it became known that he prefers the company of young men to that of women. That is to say, that he would not court or marry any woman, and rather than hide the true reason, chose to allow his family to disinherit him!
Naturally I spent the remainder of the day in his company trying to ascertain by his actions if this was in fact true, and I fear to admit that I think it may be. As much as I would like to think otherwise, I suspect the rumor is correct. Heartbreaking, in light of even greater affection on his part today, I think I must in the future guard myself from such rash attachments. He is a dear man, and I hope that I shall be able to help him, as his situation must be very difficult indeed and I know not how he supports himself in light of these revelations. I do wish it were otherwise, and it has not stopped me so far from imagining things that were best left to T-.
It rained all day, and so painting was delayed again, and we spent the afternoon playing cards and making music. Tomorrow I must have Marianne wash my chemises and brush my gowns as they are in sore need of it. Another week and I think I will have run out of clothing not previously worn on this visit, with the exception of some nicer gowns for which I have not had the occasion.
No letters arrived or were sent today, though I did arrange for the payment of some debts which will make me feel much better, as I hate to owe anybody money, even merchants. They will be sent tomorrow when a secure courier can be found.
I do feel so very foolish, and I’m sure that my partiality cannot have gone unnoticed by others. I can only hope that it was taken for a deepening friendship, which is what I anticipate it may yet become. Oh but I am so very humiliated and disappointed!